“If you can’t be a good example, then you’ll just have to be a horrible warning.”
I was studying in my college library with friends when one of them tipped his chair back too far and went thudding to the floor. I laughed so hard I split my pants. But wait! That wasn’t even my gaffe! To check the damage I walked over to the floor-to-ceiling window, which served as a perfect mirror because it was dark outside. Sure enough, I could see a six-inch-long split. But as I straightened up I realized I wasn’t the only one who could see it. A crowd of people had collected outside the window, and they were all laughing at my unfortunate display of floral undies.
Dressed to Chill
As I was getting dressed for work I realized the crotch of my tights was droopy. So I took a fashion tip from a five-year-old I babysat and pulled a second pair of underwear over the tights to keep them in place. Only I hadn’t given much thought to that second pair of underwear: hot pink panties with a rather worn waistband. That afternoon I was walking along a busy sidewalk in downtown Boston with a colleague when she suddenly whispered that something was starting to peek out from under my skirt. Sure enough, those neon pink panties were starting to creep down my black tights. I had no decent way of hiking them back up, so I stopped, let them drop to my ankles, kicked them into the air, caught them with one hand, and casually tossed them into a nearby trashcan as we kept walking.
The Blight of Fashion
My husband said my black sneakers looked like janitor shoes and begged me to wear something more fashionable. But when I told my female colleagues his comments they disagreed; really, the shoes were fine. That afternoon, in the train station on my way home, I saw a janitor coming toward me, pushing a broom. A quick glance downward revealed, sure enough, that our shoes were identical.
When I was in high school, I jokingly announced to a bunch of friends that I was going to do a striptease. As I pulled up my blouse I hummed what I hoped was a good burlesque tune. What they didn’t know: my bikini top was under my blouse. What I didn’t know: that my bikini top would rise too!
And we don’t mean the ones lighting the sets.