“Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution yet.”
Bad Swear Day
When I got married last year I had my hair up in a very hairsprayed bun. As I stepped back after taking my vows, I backed into the candelabra. I would have set my hair on fire if it hadn’t been for the quick thinking of my maid of honor, who lightly guided me forward and away from the fire. I was so startled I said, “Oh shit, thanks!” a little too loudly in the middle of the ceremony! Everyone just stared for a moment before starting to laugh.
Man and Wife
My fiancé’s parents spoke no English, and so we decided to exchange our wedding vows first in English, then in Slovak. When I repeated my vows in the unfamiliar Slovak, my fiancé grinned broadly. Later he explained that instead of saying, “I take thee to be my husband,” I had said, “I take thee to be my wife.”
The Great Escape
My son and his new bride were driving to California immediately following their reception, so they asked the bride’s father and me to drive their second car—the one their friends hadn’t decorated—to the next town over so we could exchange vehicles. We made the trade and said our farewells. But what we hadn’t taken into account was how odd we would look on our return trip: we were two white-haired men barreling down a highway together in a little Chevy Luv sporting white balloons, strings of tin cans, and a “Just Married” sign. Everyone who passed us honked, waved—and laughed.
Sweet Taste of Excess
I was a wedding guest who had drunk too much champagne. The next morning my disgusted wife informed me that I had helped myself to a slice of cake—before the bride and groom had the chance to cut it.
Whoops a Daisy
Our wedding was part of a Catholic Mass, which involved a lot of sitting and standing and kneeling. By the time the priest had reached the homily, I was feeling very emotional about the beauty of the Mass and the beauty of our wedding. The priest waved for everyone to be seated—and I sat on my bouquet.
I was ready to walk down the aisle, with my arm resting on my father’s, when the first giggle escaped. My giggles only increased with each step, and as I stood next to my groom they became louder. The minister didn’t find my nervousness funny; he began talking about marriage as a solemn undertaking, one approached only with serious intent, but his sternness only made me laugh harder. Finally I turned to our guests and said, “You can laugh too.” Now the fuming minister had to contend with the nervous titters of an entire congregation.
As Clear As Day
A graphic designer by training, I had lavished great care in designing an elegant invitation for my upcoming wedding. I had just mailed the last of 200 copies of the invitation when I happened to reread it—and realized I’d forgotten to include the wedding date.